This is a satirical version of the introduction to the real Mueller report. You can read the actual introduction here:
Long ago, the evil empire of Russia sought to interfere in the peaceful elections of the United States. They did so by attempting to control the minds of the people of the United States through social media, and by hacking into computers owned by the fair princess Hilary Clinton. In June of 2016, the Princess’s kingdom announced that the Russians had broken into the castle and stolen secret documents. These documents were being distributed to the people of the realm by the goblins of Wikileaks. In Late July of 2016, a foreign government sent a messenger to the United States police to inform them of a meeting with would-be traitor Donald Trump’s foreign policy advisor George Papadopoulos. Papadopoulos had told a representative of the foreign government that the Russians would help the traitor Trump by releasing damaging material related to the Princess. The United States police could not allow this to happen, and thus they launched a righteous campaign to determine if the Traitor was indeed working with evil empire to take the throne from the Princess.
In the fall, two agencies of the United States government announced that the evil empire had successfully stolen documents from the Princess and her kingdom, which were intended to steal the throne. After the traitor Trump was crowned king, several of the nobles began to examine Russian involvement in the overthrow of the Princess.
Within the royal court, the efforts of the nobles led to the appointment of Sir Robert S. Mueller, III to investigate Russian involvement in the usurpation of the throne. This included any links or coordination of the evil empire with the Traitor King’s servants.
Sir Robert Mueller, III found that the Russians helped to steal the throne of the fair princess Hillary Clinton through a social media campaign that shed the Traitor Trump in a favorable light, while disparaging the Princess. Secondly, Sir Robert found that the Russians had indeed tricked the servants and courtiers of the Princess into helping them steal private royal documents. Although the honorable Sir Mueller found that the evil empire had connections to the Traitor, he was unable to determine that the Traitor King was directly working with the evil empire to usurp the throne.
In this book, we explore the adventures of Sir Robert S. Mueller III, with an overview of the two volumes of Sir Robert Muller’s exploits.
The report of Sir Robert to the royal court describes actions and events that Sir Robert and his team found to be supported by the evidence collected in his travels. In some instances, the report points out the absence of evidence or conflicts in the evidence about a particular fact or event. In other instances, when substantial, credible evidence allowed Sir Robert to reach a conclusion with confidence, the report states that the investigation established that certain actions or events occurred. Statements that Sir Robert cannot prove certain legendary events happened does not mean there was no evidence of those events.
In evaluating whether evidence about collective action of multiple individuals constituted a crime, Sir Robert applied the framework of conspiracy law. In doing so, Sir Robert recognized that the word “collude” was used in communications with the Bishop–the realm’s chief legal prosecutor–and that the term was used frequently in public reporting of the adventures of Sir Robert. However, collusion is not an offense or theory of liability. Nor is it a term used in United States criminal law. For those reasons, Sir Robert’s focus in analyzing questions of usurpation was on conspiracy. In connection with that analysis, Sir Robert attempted to determine if the traitor king had an understood or implied agreement with the evil empire to steal the throne. That agreement would require more than the Russians and the Traitor taking actions that were informed by or responsive to the other’s actions or interests. To that end, Sir Robert could not determine if there was an agreement. The royal court is encouraged to remember, however, that even if Sir Robert cannot prove that this legendary event didn’t occur, that does not mean that it didn’t.
The report of Sir Robert consists of two volumes:
Volume I describes the true adventures of Sir Robert and his investigation of the evil empire, and it’s interactions with the Traitor King. Section I describes where Sir Robert went. Sections II and III describe how the evil empire helped steal the throne. Section IV describes the links between the Russians and the Traitor King. Section V sets forth the recommendations of Sir Robert to the royal court regarding charges against those who stole the throne from the rightful heir to the throne.
Volume II addresses the Traitor Kings actions toward the United States police’s investigation into the evil empire, and his actions toward Sir Robert. We will explore Volume II at the end of this book.