Okay, there are a lot more than eight, but I needed to get you to click on this article, so I picked a random number of things to talk about, and because you’re basic, you took the bait. So put down your PSLs, your IPAs, your Claws, and your shots of Jamo and strap in for some fun. Oh, and share this with your regulars because they’re going to get a kick out of it.
1). Their Favorite Song Makes You Want to Jump Out of a Window
Whatever the “hot new song” is, we hear it. A lot. Like, a lot, a lot. So much, in fact, that it slowly drives us insane.
Whatever the song is, it was cool the first 20 times we heard it. It was fresh, had a killer beat, and got the party going (which makes us more money), so we were more than happy to get down with it.
The 1,200th time in four weeks, though…
Have you ever had an itch waaaay inside of your ear? Like, so deep in there, it kind of felt like you needed to scratch your brain to relieve your torment? That’s what the f**king song is like after a few weeks. Except, someone keeps playing it because they don’t spend their entire life in a bar.
What makes it worse is you’re at work, and it’s your job to pretend you’re having a good time, learning all about that bass, ’bout that–-I mean hearing about how you’re as smooth…as Tennessee–-I MEAN, ENJOYING THE MOMENT because I’m happy…
2). Mods Actually Increase Ticket Times
I know, we make it look easy. Really, it’s our fault–as an industry–for being so good at what we do that you expect your deconstructed kitchen sink omelet to come out just as fast as the regular version.
In reality, you have to allow time for the kitchen guys to throw a fit when they see your ticket–at least 5 minutes of straight cursing you, the day you were born, and the day they were born–before they start making it.
After that’s done, you have to allow for at least one broken plate, an argument with the server, and a final, “Tell them to go f*ck themselves” before it comes out.
It’s a process you don’t normally see, so we understand why you expect your heavily mod-ed food to come out as quickly as (or before) the table who ordered after you.
3). We Are, in fact, Actual People
We put up with a lot. Mostly–alright, entirely–because we get paid to do it. You know that we know that. However, that doesn’t mean that our entire existence is based on making you happy and not judging you.
We have our likes, our dislikes, and our preferences too. For example, I would prefer that I didn’t have to pretend that your order of Mozzarella sticks with ranch is normal, or even okay, with me.
In fact, if you order that, I’m judging you more than the swingers that come in.
Because I’m a person and I have irrational thoughts too.
4). “Make It Strong” Doesn’t Mean What You Think It Means
We know, we know, you’re God’s gift to the world. You were raised in an environment where the rules didn’t apply to you. Where you got what you wanted, whenever you wanted it.
When the words “make it strong” come out of your mouth, all we hear is, “I’m going to tip like sh*t and be a general asshole because I think I’m better than everyone.”
Saying “make it strong” does two things:
1) Make us laugh at you
2) Make us give you less attention.
If you don’t want to be laughed at and more attention, don’t ask us to “make it strong.”
5) You’re Actually in Public
We understand that when you allow your kids to dump the sugar packets, throw napkins and food around, and generally act like pigs, it can feel like you’re at home.
Ak-chu-ally, you’re in a public place. Around other people. Some of them even have to clean up after you. SOME OF THEM even serve you.
We are very good at personalizing your experience, so we understand why you are comfortable enough to imagine that you are at home, but rest assured, you are not–, and we do shame you and your spawn after our shift.
6) We Are Not Obligated To Serve You
Sure, we’re in the business of serving people food and drink. That is our job. But, just because that’s our job doesn’t mean we have to serve you simply because you’re in the building.
Again, we are not robots or servants. Treating us like we are–or like you are the only person in the world–will only get you thrown out, and yes, we can do that.
Our tolerance level is high. Maybe too high, sometimes, but there are limits to what we will put up with.
Oh, and feel free to leave that bad review. Just do it in your car. Alone. Where you belong.
7) Somebody Has To Clean The Bathrooms
Yeah, I’m talking about cleaning up loose paper towels and wiping down mirrors, but you know what else needs to be cleaned by another human being?
It’s truly shocking how adult humans can fail to understand that what comes out of their butt is not supposed to go in the sink. Or the Urinal. Or on the seat.
It happens way, way more than is acceptable. Maybe this blog post will help clarify things, and it will stop happening. (I know, after reading that again, I laughed too.)
8) You’re The Reason We Drink
Yeah, we party hard, maybe a little too hard sometimes, but you see…
We have to.
Have you read this article?! That sweet, sweet liquid stupid juice is what gets us through to the next day.
It helps us understand–well, maybe not “understand” but at least “let go of”–the stupid sh*t that we see every week. Some of you guys are a handful. And you know what?
I’m the bad type, make your girlfriend mad type–
We wouldn’t trade it for anything.